Here’s a list of what I learned from the music video I Could Be The One, also known as the story of a boring fat girl who dreamed a better life:
Don’t watch the video if you don’t appreciate satire, in which case, you should also stop reading this now.
Bored office workers surf non-work related sites such as online shops and self-help sites, especially fat office girls.
If you’re a fat girl, everyone will ask you to lose weight, which translates oftentimes to eating less or eating healthy. The right response is to tell them to eat a dick. Seriously.
Fat girls can shag hot bald guys, also long-haired model-type blonds, especially when there’s lots of alcohol involved pre-coitus. Anything and everything is possible with the help of alcohol. That was emphasized by the scene showing empty bottles on the night stand and the dresser after the fat girl woke up confused about the night before and with a naked beautiful male on her bed. Now if that shot of the bottles on the dresser was taken out, given that the girl was shown partying the night before, the correlation between fat girl-hot guy hook-ups and alcohol wouldn’t be too painful. Still painful but not too much. Oy vey!
The only thing your to-do list should have is to not give a fuck. That is all. The video will make sure you won’t miss this by dedicating a couple of seconds to a tight shot of the post-it of this list.
Just because you’re a fat girl who has finally transformed into a better looking fat girl, it doesn’t give you the right to ruin other people’s fun. Oh wait, it does? Why the hell didn’t I get the memo? Seriously, I would have appreciated it if the fat girl was giving the finger to skinny bitches drinking skinny margaritas on the beach. But a little girl making sand castles? Really?
Fat girls, even when they’re having fun, still look fat, sad and a joke. Feel free to spot the scenes illustrating this. Hints: sloppy kiss with the hot bald guy, ass grabbing at a party, humping on a yacht, the windmill scene, pot session, riding a horse by the beach.
If you’re an ordinary-looking fat girl, everyone else in the office seems thin and not-so-ordinary. Of course, in real life, most office workers are at risk of obesity. Yay?
If your life is one big routine, all you’re really doing is dying. No joke here.
Fat girls shouldn’t ride horses. There’s just no graceful way of mounting the beast, especially stallions. Gravity is almost always not on your side when you’re overweight.
One of the saddest things in the world is staring at the crotch — which happens to be inches away from your face — of a barely clad male stripper with a stupid look in your face. The right way to do it is to look unaffected while smiling naughtily (achievable by lifting the left corner of your mouth with your lips closed) every few minutes, even though on the inside you are jumping giddily while throwing your arms in the air.
If you’re a fat girl, you will be treated like a doormat, unless you do something about it. Okay, that was an exaggeration. Not all doormats are fat girls. I mean, you don’t have to be fat to have people walking all over you. Kidding aside, if you’re fat and a doormat, maybe it’s time to ask yourself what kind of masochism you’re gunning for.
If you have a bitchy hot girl, possibly with eating disorder colleague who probably is your superior and she rudely dumps paperwork on your desk on a regular basis, you will one day let go of your rage and just lose it. And I mean rampage in its rawest form. Needless to say, it won’t be pretty.
The moment you decide to change your life, you get killed.
The moral of the video? Don’t try to change your life or go into a vacation. Let people walk over you. That’s okay. Not all of us are created equal. If your looks are ordinary and you are fat, you are a tragedy. Accept that. Believe in your shrink and take that pill. Continue your routine because such is life. If you do otherwise, you can get killed. You don’t wanna get killed.
I did not use asterisks to soften R-rated vocabulary because that would be doing the video a vast disservice.
This post is dedicated to JJ and Ann who are big fans of this song.
Sorry, JJ, it took me a long time to write this.