When You’re Desperate For Answers

Harboring a suspicion that your significant other is cheating on you?
Thinking if you’ll ever get that promotion?
Wondering if he’s gonna call tonight?
Thinking if she’s thinking about you, too?
Anxious if you’re gonna get that job?

Image Source: silodrome.com

Image Source: silodrome.com

Well, wonder no more.  The Book of Answers is here to answer all of your questions. Close-ended questions, that is. From silly questions to the most core-shaking ones, The Book of Answers has the answers.

Q: Do I look fat in this jeans?
A: IT WILL CREATE A STIR.

Q: Should I get a brazilian?
A: NO MATTER WHAT. (Lol.)

Q: Will I always be fat?
A: ACCEPT A CHANGE TO YOUR ROUTINE.

Q: Will I ever get married?
A: DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. (Hah!)

Q: Is Edward Snowden the real life Jack Bauer?
A: UNQUESTIONABLY. (Don’t make me say “I told you so.”)

Q: Am I gonna have kids?
A: PREPARE FOR THE UNEXPECTED. (Noted.)

Q: Is Matt Scannell gonna marry me?
A: BE PRACTICAL.

Q: Are we ever gonna be friends again?
A: RELATED ISSUES MAY SURFACE. (Boo.)

Q: Am I gonna be rich?
A: YOU DON’T REALLY CARE.

Q: Am I gonna have a rich husband?
A: SAVE YOUR ENERGY. (Wth.)

Q: Will I ever have a bald guy partner?
A: THERE WILL BE OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME. (As long as I get my bald guy. Dammit.)

Q: Should I get plastic surgery?
A: REMAIN FLEXIBLE.

Q: Am I gonna meet him soon.
A: BE DELIGHTFULLY SURE OF IT.

Q: Is he gonna cheat on me?
A: MAKE A LIST OF WHY NOT.

 

I highly recommend this book when you badly need a laugh. If you and your friends are bored on a Saturday night, check out this book for some of the questions that have been plaguing your mind/s. Again, they have to be answerable only by yes or no. Close-ended, you guys.

Also, I have to qualify my recommendation. I don’t recommend buying a brand new copy. The one from *Fully Booked costs Php 605.00. I suggest buying a preowned copy from **Booksale and from online stores. I don’t guarantee that Booksale has a copy though but you can always check and/or ask their staff.

 

*Fully Booked, as their About Us page boasts, is “a haven for book enthusiasts, which has a cozy atmosphere, soothing music and well-informed staff.” They succintly describe their shops as “not merely bookshops but lifestyle destinations.” Let me spell it out for you, Fully Booked is a bookstore for the middle class and probably, the 1%-ers, too. Here’s their site

**Booksale claims to be the Philippines’ biggest source of low-priced unused as well as previously-owned books and bargain publications from the U.S., Canada, Australia and the U.K. You can check their site here. If you’re a student, a yuppie, middle class but not a snob, a too-good-to-be-true 1%-er, Booksale is the place for you.

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Job Application

Matt Scannell
87 Delaware Road
Hatfield, CA 08065

 

Dear Mr. Scannell,

I am writing to apply as your girlfriend as was indirectly announced in Wikipedia. I am enclosing a complete and updated resume, relevant certifications and three references.

The opportunity presented is beyond interesting, and I believe that my educational background, overall upbringing, work experience and not to mention, my spectacular personality, will make me a very competitive candidate for this position.

The key strengths that I possess for success in this position include:

* I have listened to all songs of Vertical Horizon at least 50 times each.

* I eat, breathe, live music, from terrible sounding boybands, to crooning broken-hearted divas, haunting classical music. to the pretentious British artists.

* I write, not as eloquently as you do, but I do have a deep understanding of those times when you itch for the pen to spell out your thoughts.

* I have successfully written and directed two short films. You could say I’m an artist, too.

* I have experience in customer service, collections, telephone banking, online ESL teaching, (creative) writing, research,  scriptwriting, production managing, directing, photography, blogging and editing. I am sure that those would prove useful if I were to be your girlfriend.

* I have a passion for learning. In fact, I would be taking my masters next school year.

* Most importantly, I love bald guys.

Please see my resume for additional information on my skills, experience and other qualifications. I can start with the job at the soonest possible time.

I can be reached anytime via email at its8am@gmail.com, Skype: trainrides or my mobile, 0906-487-xxxx.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you about this employment and romantic opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

Jobet Penalosa

The Things About Women I Want To Tell Men

This is a list of some of the things I want to tell men. I don’t claim to be the voice of women, hence, I used I in the title. This is for the men who are/were friends, boyfriends, friends with benefits, husbands, colleagues, practically every man out there who has to deal with women

Photo courtesy of girl.com

Photo courtesy of girl.com

1. Don’t compare me to other women. Not to your exes, friends, your sister/s, especially, not to your Mom. I am my own self. I have my own flaws and strengths. My identity may have some characteristics like the other women in your life, but I am not them. I am me.

2. You don’t need to carry my purse. I won’t be using it if I can’t carry it myself. But please do hold the door for me and help me carry my grocery bags. There’s four of them for crying out loud.

Photo courtesy of owned.com

Photo courtesy of owned.com

3. I am sure that The Smiths, Led Zeppelin, The Cure and the others whom I forgot, are great musicians, I just happen to not be a fan. Please don’t judge me for that. Also, I would appreciate it if you keep a straight face whenever Taylor Swift comes up on my playlist. Her songs are catchy and gives me good vibes. I listen to Radiohead, too, and U2, Oasis, Vertical Horizon, Mozart, and yes, boybands. And please don’t start a lecture on your rocker chick friend’s musical influences. Just because I like Taylor Swift doesn’t mean I’m gonna start writing songs about my exes and how douchey they were. On the second thought…

4. I think it’s sweet that you let me have my way with a lot of things but still keep your spine intact. A spineless guy isn’t hot at all. (This applies to women, too.) You don’t need to take charge of everything but please do have your own conviction and do stand up for it.

5. There’s so much more about women than shopping, makeup, boys and clothes. We’re just like you, complex human beings. We also care about the environment, the lack of efficiency in the government, the plight of OFWs. We can even discuss the economy if you want. But personally, I’d rather not get into physics even if CERN has just confirmed that it indeed has discovered the Higgs Boson. Not that I won’t be amazed if you can discuss the God particle to me. But seriously, many women I know think geeks are hot.

Photo courtesy of funmeme.com

Photo courtesy of funmeme.com

6. We value communication. If you don’t appreciate getting text messages every 15 minutes, please say so. If there are certain topics that you think are off-limits, then tell us. Just don’t keep everything bottled up. If you don’t like that resto or this movie, speak up. Sulking is for 5-year olds. We can’t read minds. And second guessing rarely yield good results.

7. Most women pride themselves of their outfit, meticulously chosen depending on the occasion and the people they’re with. Hence, don’t be so narrow minded as to judge them as slutty and ask them to change just because you think guys would be ogling her. But if she is wearing a see-through top and a barely there skirt to church, then please talk to her. She may be needing more than just a discussion about appropriate outfits.

Photo courtesy of zipmeme.com

Photo courtesy of zipmeme.com

8. Most women value friendships. If you are her friend, she’ll do everything in the name of friendship: help you with your paper, give you advice for that chick you want to date, help you find a gift for your Mom, get drunk with you when you get dumped and help you bury the dead stripper. I kid, I kid. If you are her boyfriend, the list even becomes longer because more or less, she thinks the universe revolves around you. So please let her spend time with her friends. She loves them too, y’know. And they make her happy. And of course, you want her to be happy, too.

9. Do take note of important dates. Technology has made it easy now so you don’t have an excuse to forget birthdays and anniversaries. She doesn’t need gifts (well, she does like them) but do take the time to celebrate it with her. It doesn’t have to be expensive, you just have to be creative.

Photo courtesy of tumblr.com

Photo courtesy of tumblr.com

10. When you suspect that something is wrong because of her silence, don’t force her to unload. Assure her instead that you’re willing to listen once she’s ready to talk. And when she does, do listen and try to stand in her shoes. If you still don’t get it, tell her so and don’t be afraid to ask questions.

11. When she’s irritable due to PMS, work stress, traffic jam or hunger, be patient. She can’t be sunshine every time. Same goes for you, right? Remember that time she was quiet and kept out of your way because the Celtics lost (for the nth time)?

12. While your girl friends are okay with you checking out other girls while you’re hanging out with them, your girlfriend won’t be as forgiving. That’s tacky and disrespectful. Your girl friends might also have the patience to listen to you rave about the endearing qualities of Megan Fox, Maria Ozawa, Angelina Jolie, et al., but don’t expect the same for your girlfriend. Hey, she chose you even if you’re not a fraction as hot as Matt Scannell.

Photo courtesy of jambase.com

Photo courtesy of jambase.com

13. This list does not apply to all women. Also, this list does not have everything you need to learn about women. But it would be nice if you would take note of some of these things and appreciate more the women in your life and give them the respect they deserve.