When I was 16 and a college freshman, predictably, my favorite song was The Freshmen by The Verve Pipe. The song did not talk about living in a dorm, homesickness or studying your ass off for mediocre grades but still…

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

On my 18th birthday, my friend, Job, sang Easy Tonight by Five For Fighting. It’s a dark song that talks about the pain of losing someone. Some say it is about death, specifically, suicide. An odd choice for my birthday at the very least. In fairness to him, he did not expect to be an acoustic performer that night.

You were dark.
As dark as night.
You were wrong.
Yeah, you were right.

When I was 20 and desperately working on my undergrad thesis, I kept All Apologies on a loop. Nothing could spell out the fledgling self-esteem of an overextended college student than this song.

What else should I be? All apologies
What else could I say? Everyone is gay
What else could I write? I don’t have the right
What else should I be? All apologies

You can watch the video here.

When I was 23, a friend told me that he thinks of me whenever he hears Rise by Samantha James. I am most flattered that he incorrectly associates me with empowered women.

Open your mind and see
We have everything we need
Dream or reality
Fulfill its destiny

You can listen to the song here.

When I get married, I want Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls to be my wedding song. It doesn’t have to be played though as I walk down the aisle.

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

And last but not the least, I want my funeral song to be Beautiful Day by U2 because I intend for it to be a beautiful day.

It was a beautiful day. Don’t let it get away
Beautiful day.

Touch me. Take me to that other place.
Reach me. I know I’m not a hopeless case

What you don’t have you don’t need it now
What you don’t know you can feel it somehow

Music video here.

Rainy Mornings

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I used to find comfort in your silence just like when darkness shields me from the glare of reality. It can’t be blue skies every day. Sometimes the day is gray and the heavens cry but we both love the rain — the sound of it, the smell and how it brings childhood memories of pink dresses and ribbons and ice cream, and how you said that the sound of rain drops make for a good soundtrack.

I used to pray that the universe bring us together. Now I realize how selfish I was. I don’t see you often now but sometimes you show up in my dreams, some hazy visions of the past. You used to tell me that I don’t have to hide the pain behind my smile and that my eyes never lie. Well, then I’m just glad you can’t see me now. I am happy that you found happiness. I tell myself that every day until I feel like I can start believing my own lie.

And on rainy mornings, I stay in bed and look out the window and wonder if you still look up at the sky and ask why she’s crying.