When You’re Desperate For Answers

Harboring a suspicion that your significant other is cheating on you?
Thinking if you’ll ever get that promotion?
Wondering if he’s gonna call tonight?
Thinking if she’s thinking about you, too?
Anxious if you’re gonna get that job?

Image Source: silodrome.com

Image Source: silodrome.com

Well, wonder no more.  The Book of Answers is here to answer all of your questions. Close-ended questions, that is. From silly questions to the most core-shaking ones, The Book of Answers has the answers.

Q: Do I look fat in this jeans?
A: IT WILL CREATE A STIR.

Q: Should I get a brazilian?
A: NO MATTER WHAT. (Lol.)

Q: Will I always be fat?
A: ACCEPT A CHANGE TO YOUR ROUTINE.

Q: Will I ever get married?
A: DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. (Hah!)

Q: Is Edward Snowden the real life Jack Bauer?
A: UNQUESTIONABLY. (Don’t make me say “I told you so.”)

Q: Am I gonna have kids?
A: PREPARE FOR THE UNEXPECTED. (Noted.)

Q: Is Matt Scannell gonna marry me?
A: BE PRACTICAL.

Q: Are we ever gonna be friends again?
A: RELATED ISSUES MAY SURFACE. (Boo.)

Q: Am I gonna be rich?
A: YOU DON’T REALLY CARE.

Q: Am I gonna have a rich husband?
A: SAVE YOUR ENERGY. (Wth.)

Q: Will I ever have a bald guy partner?
A: THERE WILL BE OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME. (As long as I get my bald guy. Dammit.)

Q: Should I get plastic surgery?
A: REMAIN FLEXIBLE.

Q: Am I gonna meet him soon.
A: BE DELIGHTFULLY SURE OF IT.

Q: Is he gonna cheat on me?
A: MAKE A LIST OF WHY NOT.

 

I highly recommend this book when you badly need a laugh. If you and your friends are bored on a Saturday night, check out this book for some of the questions that have been plaguing your mind/s. Again, they have to be answerable only by yes or no. Close-ended, you guys.

Also, I have to qualify my recommendation. I don’t recommend buying a brand new copy. The one from *Fully Booked costs Php 605.00. I suggest buying a preowned copy from **Booksale and from online stores. I don’t guarantee that Booksale has a copy though but you can always check and/or ask their staff.

 

*Fully Booked, as their About Us page boasts, is “a haven for book enthusiasts, which has a cozy atmosphere, soothing music and well-informed staff.” They succintly describe their shops as “not merely bookshops but lifestyle destinations.” Let me spell it out for you, Fully Booked is a bookstore for the middle class and probably, the 1%-ers, too. Here’s their site

**Booksale claims to be the Philippines’ biggest source of low-priced unused as well as previously-owned books and bargain publications from the U.S., Canada, Australia and the U.K. You can check their site here. If you’re a student, a yuppie, middle class but not a snob, a too-good-to-be-true 1%-er, Booksale is the place for you.

Job Application

Matt Scannell
87 Delaware Road
Hatfield, CA 08065

 

Dear Mr. Scannell,

I am writing to apply as your girlfriend as was indirectly announced in Wikipedia. I am enclosing a complete and updated resume, relevant certifications and three references.

The opportunity presented is beyond interesting, and I believe that my educational background, overall upbringing, work experience and not to mention, my spectacular personality, will make me a very competitive candidate for this position.

The key strengths that I possess for success in this position include:

* I have listened to all songs of Vertical Horizon at least 50 times each.

* I eat, breathe, live music, from terrible sounding boybands, to crooning broken-hearted divas, haunting classical music. to the pretentious British artists.

* I write, not as eloquently as you do, but I do have a deep understanding of those times when you itch for the pen to spell out your thoughts.

* I have successfully written and directed two short films. You could say I’m an artist, too.

* I have experience in customer service, collections, telephone banking, online ESL teaching, (creative) writing, research,  scriptwriting, production managing, directing, photography, blogging and editing. I am sure that those would prove useful if I were to be your girlfriend.

* I have a passion for learning. In fact, I would be taking my masters next school year.

* Most importantly, I love bald guys.

Please see my resume for additional information on my skills, experience and other qualifications. I can start with the job at the soonest possible time.

I can be reached anytime via email at its8am@gmail.com, Skype: trainrides or my mobile, 0906-487-xxxx.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you about this employment and romantic opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

Jobet Penalosa