I Could Be The One by Avicii feat. Nicky Romero

Here’s a list of what I learned from the music video I Could Be The One, also known as the story of a boring fat girl who dreamed a better life:

Don’t watch the video if you don’t appreciate satire, in which case, you should also stop reading this now.

Bored office workers surf non-work related sites such as online shops and self-help sites, especially fat office girls.

If you’re a fat girl, everyone will ask you to lose weight, which translates oftentimes to eating less or eating healthy. The right response is to tell them to eat a dick. Seriously.

Fat girls can shag hot bald guys, also long-haired model-type blonds, especially when there’s lots of alcohol involved pre-coitus. Anything and everything is possible with the help of alcohol. That was emphasized by the scene showing empty bottles on the night stand and the dresser after the fat girl woke up confused about the night before and with a naked beautiful male on her bed. Now if that shot of the bottles on the dresser was taken out, given that the girl was shown partying the night before, the correlation between fat girl-hot guy hook-ups and alcohol wouldn’t be too painful. Still painful but not too much. Oy vey!

Image Source: tumblr.com

Image Source: tumblr.com

The only thing your to-do list should have is to not give a fuck. That is all. The video will make sure you won’t miss this by dedicating a couple of seconds to a tight shot of the post-it of this list.

Just because you’re a fat girl who has finally transformed into a better looking fat girl, it doesn’t give you the right to ruin other people’s fun. Oh wait, it does? Why the hell didn’t I get the memo? Seriously, I would have appreciated it if the fat girl was giving the finger to skinny bitches drinking skinny margaritas on the beach. But a little girl making sand castles? Really?

Fat girls, even when they’re having fun, still look fat, sad and a joke. Feel free to spot the scenes illustrating this. Hints: sloppy kiss with the hot bald guy, ass grabbing at a party, humping on a yacht, the windmill scene, pot session, riding a horse by the beach.

If you’re an ordinary-looking fat girl, everyone else in the office seems thin and not-so-ordinary. Of course, in real life, most office workers are at risk of obesity. Yay?

If your life is one big routine, all you’re really doing is dying. No joke here.

Fat girls shouldn’t ride horses. There’s just no graceful way of mounting the beast, especially stallions. Gravity is almost always not on your side when you’re overweight.

One of the saddest things in the world is staring at the crotch — which happens to be inches away from your face — of a barely clad male stripper with a stupid look in your face. The right way to do it is to look unaffected while smiling naughtily (achievable by lifting the left corner of your mouth with your lips closed) every few minutes, even though on the inside you are jumping giddily while throwing your arms in the air.

Image Source: genxflow.com

Image Source: genxflow.com

If you’re a fat girl, you will be treated like a doormat, unless you do something about it. Okay, that was an exaggeration. Not all doormats are fat girls. I mean, you don’t have to be fat to have people walking all over you. Kidding aside, if you’re fat and a doormat, maybe it’s time to ask yourself what kind of masochism you’re gunning for.

If you have a bitchy hot girl, possibly with eating disorder colleague who probably is your superior and she rudely dumps paperwork on your desk on a regular basis, you will one day let go of your rage and just lose it. And I mean rampage in its rawest form. Needless to say, it won’t be pretty.

The moment you decide to change your life, you get killed.

The moral of the video? Don’t try to change your life or go into a vacation. Let people walk over you. That’s okay. Not all of us are created equal. If your looks are ordinary and you are fat, you are a tragedy. Accept that. Believe in your shrink and take that pill. Continue your routine because such is life. If you do otherwise, you can get killed. You don’t wanna get killed.

Notes:
I did not use asterisks to soften R-rated vocabulary because that would be doing the video a vast disservice.

This post is dedicated to JJ and Ann who are big fans of this song.

Sorry, JJ, it took me a long time to write this.

Advertisements

When You’re Desperate For Answers

Harboring a suspicion that your significant other is cheating on you?
Thinking if you’ll ever get that promotion?
Wondering if he’s gonna call tonight?
Thinking if she’s thinking about you, too?
Anxious if you’re gonna get that job?

Image Source: silodrome.com

Image Source: silodrome.com

Well, wonder no more.  The Book of Answers is here to answer all of your questions. Close-ended questions, that is. From silly questions to the most core-shaking ones, The Book of Answers has the answers.

Q: Do I look fat in this jeans?
A: IT WILL CREATE A STIR.

Q: Should I get a brazilian?
A: NO MATTER WHAT. (Lol.)

Q: Will I always be fat?
A: ACCEPT A CHANGE TO YOUR ROUTINE.

Q: Will I ever get married?
A: DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. (Hah!)

Q: Is Edward Snowden the real life Jack Bauer?
A: UNQUESTIONABLY. (Don’t make me say “I told you so.”)

Q: Am I gonna have kids?
A: PREPARE FOR THE UNEXPECTED. (Noted.)

Q: Is Matt Scannell gonna marry me?
A: BE PRACTICAL.

Q: Are we ever gonna be friends again?
A: RELATED ISSUES MAY SURFACE. (Boo.)

Q: Am I gonna be rich?
A: YOU DON’T REALLY CARE.

Q: Am I gonna have a rich husband?
A: SAVE YOUR ENERGY. (Wth.)

Q: Will I ever have a bald guy partner?
A: THERE WILL BE OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME. (As long as I get my bald guy. Dammit.)

Q: Should I get plastic surgery?
A: REMAIN FLEXIBLE.

Q: Am I gonna meet him soon.
A: BE DELIGHTFULLY SURE OF IT.

Q: Is he gonna cheat on me?
A: MAKE A LIST OF WHY NOT.

 

I highly recommend this book when you badly need a laugh. If you and your friends are bored on a Saturday night, check out this book for some of the questions that have been plaguing your mind/s. Again, they have to be answerable only by yes or no. Close-ended, you guys.

Also, I have to qualify my recommendation. I don’t recommend buying a brand new copy. The one from *Fully Booked costs Php 605.00. I suggest buying a preowned copy from **Booksale and from online stores. I don’t guarantee that Booksale has a copy though but you can always check and/or ask their staff.

 

*Fully Booked, as their About Us page boasts, is “a haven for book enthusiasts, which has a cozy atmosphere, soothing music and well-informed staff.” They succintly describe their shops as “not merely bookshops but lifestyle destinations.” Let me spell it out for you, Fully Booked is a bookstore for the middle class and probably, the 1%-ers, too. Here’s their site

**Booksale claims to be the Philippines’ biggest source of low-priced unused as well as previously-owned books and bargain publications from the U.S., Canada, Australia and the U.K. You can check their site here. If you’re a student, a yuppie, middle class but not a snob, a too-good-to-be-true 1%-er, Booksale is the place for you.

Hymen and Babies

People say that in the old days if you so much as get caught holding hands with a guy, then you sure would be married. Maintaining a spotless reputation was on top of the list back in the day. Apparently, for single women, reputation has a lot got to do with virginity.

Nowadays, obviously, the culture has somewhat shifted. The state of a woman’s hymen is now mostly a non-issue. In fact, intentional tearing of the hymen due to certain “recreational” activities does not qualify anymore as a reason to force couples to marry. These days, it is the status of the womb that has become the deciding factor for many marriages. Tying the knot due to pregnancy, mostly unplanned, it seems, has become the rule rather than the exception. I don’t mean that as a criticism; rather, a mere observation.

Image Source: goosegreaseshop.com

Image Source: goosegreaseshop.com

As a woman, whether you are from the olden days when indulging in premarital sex would earn you a stoning or at least the reputation of the village slut or you are a “modern” woman living in today’s supposed more liberal view of your gender, the fact remains that you are still forced to conform to society’s presribed behavior, which is still for the most part, biased, pretentious and self-righteous.

How familiar are these situations?

A: X is getting married.
B: Is she pregnant?
A: Yes.
A: Oh, that’s why.

A: X is getting married.
B: Is she pregnant?
A: No.
B: Then why?

Image Source: kustomkoozies.com

Image Source: kustomkoozies.com

A: I don’t understand why X won’t marry her boyfriend. They’ve been together for years and their son is about to start school.
B: Because they don’t want to get married.
A: But why? I don’t understand.

A: X is pregnant.
B: Wow. So when is the wedding?
A: I don’t think she and her boyfriend are planning to get married.
B: But they should, shouldn’t they?

I cannot extol on the valid reasons to marry. There are thousands of references written by experts that you can use for that topic. Besides, at the end of the day, to marry or not to marry is definitely your choice. And your partner’s, of course. Whatever reason you may have for marrying your partner, may it be something that would solidify your marriage and keep you together, rather than drive you apart. And more importantly, I dare say, may it also be something that makes you happy.

Image Source: wowglowingbride.com

Image Source: wowglowingbride.com

 

 

The author (an almost spinster) is being pressured by her family to find a suitable husband soon or at least have a baby. But she would rather marry for convenience if given a chance.

 

 

Mind Games

You are a monster. I am human.
We are friends yet we shouldn’t be.
You lurk in the shadows. I try to stay in the light.
You sleep under my bed and visit me in my dreams.

We stay in the dark where I cannot see your hideous face.
I told you many times I don’t care for your appearance
But I’m not sure I really mean that.
And you pretend you don’t notice my uncertainty.

Everyone tells me to stay away from a freak like you.
They say you are evil and would wreck my life
But I love the games we play and how happy you make me.
I do not think you are evil at all, though I’m probably wrong.

Sometimes you hurt me and I would cry for days.
I don’t know if that is ever your intention when you do so.
I do not ask questions and you do not offer answers.
Funny we’re friends but we never talk at all.

When my thoughts are straight
I try to resolve to myself
I should leave you and never look back.
But then I feel your presence in the shadows
And wonder what life is without you.

My friends tell me it would be a happy life
I could play outdoors and enjoy the sun.
They paint me a happy picture full of colors
But the solace I know is the darkness you take me to.

Someday you’re gonna leave.
Then I’ll sit alone in the shadows
Lean on the wall and not feel your clumsy movements.
That day I may choose to play out in the sun.
And when I do, I may never look back.

I’ll have the memories and be grateful for them
But hopefully, will not long for the refuge in the dark.
Instead, I will learn to live in the light
And to find comfort being bathed in sunlight.

But for now we sit in the dark
And your arms are around me while I cry bitter tears.
I don’t know how long we’ll have to sit here
But I know you’ll hold me until I feel better again.

Image Source: special-k611.blogspot.com

Image Source: special-k611.blogspot.com