I Could Be The One by Avicii feat. Nicky Romero

Here’s a list of what I learned from the music video I Could Be The One, also known as the story of a boring fat girl who dreamed a better life:

Don’t watch the video if you don’t appreciate satire, in which case, you should also stop reading this now.

Bored office workers surf non-work related sites such as online shops and self-help sites, especially fat office girls.

If you’re a fat girl, everyone will ask you to lose weight, which translates oftentimes to eating less or eating healthy. The right response is to tell them to eat a dick. Seriously.

Fat girls can shag hot bald guys, also long-haired model-type blonds, especially when there’s lots of alcohol involved pre-coitus. Anything and everything is possible with the help of alcohol. That was emphasized by the scene showing empty bottles on the night stand and the dresser after the fat girl woke up confused about the night before and with a naked beautiful male on her bed. Now if that shot of the bottles on the dresser was taken out, given that the girl was shown partying the night before, the correlation between fat girl-hot guy hook-ups and alcohol wouldn’t be too painful. Still painful but not too much. Oy vey!

Image Source: tumblr.com

Image Source: tumblr.com

The only thing your to-do list should have is to not give a fuck. That is all. The video will make sure you won’t miss this by dedicating a couple of seconds to a tight shot of the post-it of this list.

Just because you’re a fat girl who has finally transformed into a better looking fat girl, it doesn’t give you the right to ruin other people’s fun. Oh wait, it does? Why the hell didn’t I get the memo? Seriously, I would have appreciated it if the fat girl was giving the finger to skinny bitches drinking skinny margaritas on the beach. But a little girl making sand castles? Really?

Fat girls, even when they’re having fun, still look fat, sad and a joke. Feel free to spot the scenes illustrating this. Hints: sloppy kiss with the hot bald guy, ass grabbing at a party, humping on a yacht, the windmill scene, pot session, riding a horse by the beach.

If you’re an ordinary-looking fat girl, everyone else in the office seems thin and not-so-ordinary. Of course, in real life, most office workers are at risk of obesity. Yay?

If your life is one big routine, all you’re really doing is dying. No joke here.

Fat girls shouldn’t ride horses. There’s just no graceful way of mounting the beast, especially stallions. Gravity is almost always not on your side when you’re overweight.

One of the saddest things in the world is staring at the crotch — which happens to be inches away from your face — of a barely clad male stripper with a stupid look in your face. The right way to do it is to look unaffected while smiling naughtily (achievable by lifting the left corner of your mouth with your lips closed) every few minutes, even though on the inside you are jumping giddily while throwing your arms in the air.

Image Source: genxflow.com

Image Source: genxflow.com

If you’re a fat girl, you will be treated like a doormat, unless you do something about it. Okay, that was an exaggeration. Not all doormats are fat girls. I mean, you don’t have to be fat to have people walking all over you. Kidding aside, if you’re fat and a doormat, maybe it’s time to ask yourself what kind of masochism you’re gunning for.

If you have a bitchy hot girl, possibly with eating disorder colleague who probably is your superior and she rudely dumps paperwork on your desk on a regular basis, you will one day let go of your rage and just lose it. And I mean rampage in its rawest form. Needless to say, it won’t be pretty.

The moment you decide to change your life, you get killed.

The moral of the video? Don’t try to change your life or go into a vacation. Let people walk over you. That’s okay. Not all of us are created equal. If your looks are ordinary and you are fat, you are a tragedy. Accept that. Believe in your shrink and take that pill. Continue your routine because such is life. If you do otherwise, you can get killed. You don’t wanna get killed.

Notes:
I did not use asterisks to soften R-rated vocabulary because that would be doing the video a vast disservice.

This post is dedicated to JJ and Ann who are big fans of this song.

Sorry, JJ, it took me a long time to write this.

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Why It’s Not Safe To Talk About Music On The First Date

He was introduced by a family friend. An overall good guy with a clean cut, engineering grad who just passed the board. I was a sophomore in college and kind of wondering if he was going to be my first boyfriend. Although he was a nice guy, we were not exempted from the awkwardness of a first date. I didn’t know the rules and I was hoping to wing it. Huge mistake.

Him: Do you like music?
Me: Yes. Do you?

I was somewhat disappointed with the question because I thought it is a given that everyone loves music. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t. That should make it a fact, not a hasty generalization. True? But then again maybe he’s too nice to be presumptuous.

Me: What kind do you like?
Him: Alternative.

Alternative in essense is the opposite of mainstream. Alternative was, and probably is, cool. Honestly, now, I believe alternative, just like any other genre, was created by the music industry moguls to create a new market. The one to sell Nirvana, The Verve, Suede, Blur records to. (Did I mix alternative rock and Britpop?) Of course, when moguls create a new genre, they will be sure to sell everything that goes with it: the apparel, the lifestyle (may or may not include illegal substances), ideas (may or may not be limited to sex, abortion, marriage, divorce, dating, suicide) Clearly, you can now see how clueless I am in this or how huge the genre is.

Since I was in college when this date happened, needless to say, I was impressed when he said he liked alternative music.

Me: Who’s your favorite artist?
Him: Westlife.

Aside from music, I also like sarcasm. He was funny! Because I was nervous during this time, I didn’t laugh. But I did grin, which genuinely confused him.

Him: You don’t like them?

Sh*t just got real. He was serious. He truly liked Westlife. I remember Westlife when I was in high school because Swear It Again was on the radio a lot. But back then, I was a Hanson fan because, hey, they write their own songs and play instruments. I would go as far as say that the only thing that kept Hanson from being alternative was that they were hugely popular plus they had indiscernible lyrics. Mmm Bop?

Me: No. I’m more Nirvana and Sigur Ros.

College was the peak of my pretentiousness. But back then I didn’t call myself pretentious because I believe that if I have faith in these artists’ music, then I’d soon enough imbibe a life that is full of art, depth and meaning. Yes, I was a whole load of bull crap. I actually tried to read Umberto Eco!

Needless to say, there was no second date. He now lives in the Emirates with his wife and two kids while I am still a walking dating disaster. Also, a friend just pointed out to me that I now have a terrible taste in music. Truth be told, that doesn’t bother me at all. My playlist now includes Britney’s From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart because she really sounded cute then. And I play Maroon 5’s One More Night while I take a shower.

For the life of me, I ccouldn’t understand why I wanted to be cool or deep or poetic. I certainly didn’t look the part. Maybe it’s a prerequisite of growing up. Being pretentious is so not cool. Not that I’m saying I’ve stopped being pretentious just because I now admit to listening to pop music. I’m looking at you Twihards.

Soundtracking

When I was 16 and a college freshman, predictably, my favorite song was The Freshmen by The Verve Pipe. The song did not talk about living in a dorm, homesickness or studying your ass off for mediocre grades but still…

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We’d never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We’d ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

On my 18th birthday, my friend, Job, sang Easy Tonight by Five For Fighting. It’s a dark song that talks about the pain of losing someone. Some say it is about death, specifically, suicide. An odd choice for my birthday at the very least. In fairness to him, he did not expect to be an acoustic performer that night.

You were dark.
As dark as night.
You were wrong.
Yeah, you were right.

When I was 20 and desperately working on my undergrad thesis, I kept All Apologies on a loop. Nothing could spell out the fledgling self-esteem of an overextended college student than this song.

What else should I be? All apologies
What else could I say? Everyone is gay
What else could I write? I don’t have the right
What else should I be? All apologies

You can watch the video here.

When I was 23, a friend told me that he thinks of me whenever he hears Rise by Samantha James. I am most flattered that he incorrectly associates me with empowered women.

Open your mind and see
We have everything we need
Dream or reality
Fulfill its destiny

You can listen to the song here.

When I get married, I want Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls to be my wedding song. It doesn’t have to be played though as I walk down the aisle.

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

And last but not the least, I want my funeral song to be Beautiful Day by U2 because I intend for it to be a beautiful day.

It was a beautiful day. Don’t let it get away
Beautiful day.

Touch me. Take me to that other place.
Reach me. I know I’m not a hopeless case

What you don’t have you don’t need it now
What you don’t know you can feel it somehow

Music video here.

Job Application

Matt Scannell
87 Delaware Road
Hatfield, CA 08065

 

Dear Mr. Scannell,

I am writing to apply as your girlfriend as was indirectly announced in Wikipedia. I am enclosing a complete and updated resume, relevant certifications and three references.

The opportunity presented is beyond interesting, and I believe that my educational background, overall upbringing, work experience and not to mention, my spectacular personality, will make me a very competitive candidate for this position.

The key strengths that I possess for success in this position include:

* I have listened to all songs of Vertical Horizon at least 50 times each.

* I eat, breathe, live music, from terrible sounding boybands, to crooning broken-hearted divas, haunting classical music. to the pretentious British artists.

* I write, not as eloquently as you do, but I do have a deep understanding of those times when you itch for the pen to spell out your thoughts.

* I have successfully written and directed two short films. You could say I’m an artist, too.

* I have experience in customer service, collections, telephone banking, online ESL teaching, (creative) writing, research,  scriptwriting, production managing, directing, photography, blogging and editing. I am sure that those would prove useful if I were to be your girlfriend.

* I have a passion for learning. In fact, I would be taking my masters next school year.

* Most importantly, I love bald guys.

Please see my resume for additional information on my skills, experience and other qualifications. I can start with the job at the soonest possible time.

I can be reached anytime via email at its8am@gmail.com, Skype: trainrides or my mobile, 0906-487-xxxx.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you about this employment and romantic opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

Jobet Penalosa

So Unsexy by Alanis Morissette

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

 

 

Real by Plumb

Well be pleased, world
If this is what you wanted
This young girl is everything that you made
What will she say?

Aren’t I lovely
And do you want me cause
I am hungry for something that will make me real
Can you see me and
Do you love me cause
I am desperately searching for something real.

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

 

PS. Happy Monday, you guys.

 

This One’s For The Girls by Martina McBride

This video has got one of the most awkward dance moves I’ve ever seen. Yeah, this one’s old but Martina’s really pretty and I love her more for this song.

This one’s for the girls
Who’ve ever had a broken heart
Who’ve wished upon a shooting star
You’re beautiful the way you are
This one’s for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one’s for the girls

Buses and Trains by Bachelor Girl

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I’ve sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn’t you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They`re like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they’re bad for me
But I just can’t leave ’em alone

Something Beautiful by Robbie Williams

Photo courtesy of harlowheslop.com

Photo courtesy of harlowheslop.com

In celebration of Women’s month, most of my posts are about women. I initially wanted to make a playlist for women, a mix tape of sorts. But I couldn’t figure out how to put the play list here so instead from time to time I’ll post my choice of songs I hope you ladies would take the time to listen to. Of course, these aren’t truly exclusive to girls. So first up is Robbie Williams’s Something Beautiful. There’s no need for me to elaborate on the prose of this song but I want to emphasize the hopeful message it brings. Sometimes with all the ugliness around us, we forget about the beautiful things, and this reminds us to hold on to hope.

The silence was pitiful that day.
A love is getting too cynical
Passion’s just physical these days
You analyze everyone you meet
But get no sign, love ain’t kind
every night you admit defeat
and cry yourself blind

If you can’t wake up in the morning
Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you’re lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can’t control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won’t leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won’t be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
Something beautiful will come your way