Reflections You Need Not Concern Yourself With (But I’m Sharing With You Anyway)

I hope that halaya doesn’t take offense that I’m more of a flan person.It’s nothing personal really. Unless you consider preferences personal. Oh wait, they are.

You know those times when you feel like everything is unreal and that you are being taped, and you can almost hear the canned audience laughter? No? I’m pretty sure my life is a hilarious sitcom. Too bad I don’t star in it. If my life is a series then I’m Ted Mosby’s red telephone booth.

There are weekends when you’re too broke to go out or too tired to dress up or just generally not in the mood to be with people. That’s when you’re confronted by the lifelong question, why are you alone? So then you try to fix your closet and rearrange your room in the hopes to lose the ill thoughts. Then as you lie in your bed tired from the unexpected clean-up, there it creeps again: you are alone while everybody else, couples that is, are dry humping on the dance floor, cuddling or snuggling in bed. But do not give in to despair for in today’s world there are ways to make you feel less alone. All you have to do is go online, order a cheeseburger meal from McDonald’s and a caramel sundae. Because at this day and age, no one is ever truly alone as long as there’s McDonald’s delivery. Don’t forget to tip the delivery guy. He knows where you live.

image

If you know me in real life or you’ve been reading this blog for some time, you pretty much have an idea now that my middle name is Awkward. Seriously. It’s like if awkwardness is an Olympic sport, I’d be decorated with medals now. And one of the best places to be awkward is on elevators, especially when there’s another person trapped with you for a couple of seconds. Sometimes I know that I’m just oozing with awkwardness that it either flatters or freaks the other person. I tolerate and forgive those who freak out. Very understandable given my unsure way of standing and/or leaning on the wall and my nervous finger hovering at the emergency button while furtively stealing glances at the other passenger. But to those who are feeling flattered, perhaps thinking I am about to ask for their number, well, don’t flatter yourself too much. I am naturally awkward irrespective of places and people. Nope, nothing special about you. By the way, can anyone tell me what happened to elevator music?

Perfect Date Ideas From A Self-Proclaimed Spinster

I’ve had my fair share of dating horrors. In fact, I have told you about my spectacularly disapponting date with a guy who liked Westlife. If not, you can read about it here.

Yeah, yeah, I have this annoying love affair with hyperbole. So anyhow, it’s Friday and so most people are in good spirits. I hope you are too. Well, I am. And so today I will write about something positive. Hmm. Like what? Crime rate? Upcoming national elections? The April 15 deadline for filing of taxes? Geezz, can you tell how I’m oozing with positivity right now?

Let’s talk about dating, which personally is a comedy of horrors. I’m pretty sure Billy Shakespeare is turning in his grave right now for my usage of one of his famous plays. If you are hoping I would lay out for you fool-proof dating advice, you may stop reading now, though I hope you wouldn’t. Surely, you have to understand that a 29-year old spinster is in no place to dish out dating advice in any shape or form. But just because I am a self-confessed spinster and apparently unpopular with guys, doesn’t mean I am without my wishes for a perfect date. And that’s what I want to share with you today.

It’s actually a tie. So I have two perfect ideas for a date. Before I tell you what they are, I’ll tell you first that when I was in my early 20s, I thought a perfect date for me would be in a museum. What could be more romantic than walking through high-ceilinged halls full of different artworks? Plus the silence of the sculptures as the dust tries to settle on the frames of paintings provides a charmed setting for a budding affair. The soft echo of your footsteps as you pretend to look at sketches would be the perfect soundtrack of your own romantic comedy. As you can see, I lived in a European romcom when I was 20. Think Amelie and The Spanish Apartment. But since I’ve been on platonic dates in a museum twice with two of my good guy friends, I’ve scrapped out the perfect museum date.

So my perfect date idea #1 is at a blood-letting activity. Now before you clutch your imaginary pearls, let me explain myself. The reason why I think this is perfect is aside from you are making a contribution to the National Red Cross, this also gives you a glimpse into what kind of person your date is. If he is willing to give blood on your first date, there are only two valid possibilities. Either he is desperate and willing to do anything and everything to get laid or he really cares about such causes as helping those who need blood.

Photo source: prometheus.med.utah.edu

Photo source: prometheus.med.utah.edu

An equally important reason why this donating blood is perfect is because after you’ve given out 500cc of your own blood is that now you two have the perfect little excuse for a red meat feast or buffet. You need all the red meat for your red blood cells. So hey, win-win, right? If a worthy cause and a buffet won’t seal your bond forever, then nothing would.

Perfect date idea #2 is a little picnic at night in the middle of Sunken Garden while listening to 90s and early ’00s boyband music. You could also add reading your favorite children stories and/or rhymes to the repertoire. You only need finger foods, mat, candles, iPod/phone for your music and story books. Think Nsync, Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees. If a guy is willing to listen to crappy boyband music with you, he may be: a, someone who has terrible music just like you; b, desperately wants to sleep with you or; c, willing to forego your horrible taste in music for a shot at a meaningful relationship. So again, nothing to lose and everything to gain in this setup.

Photo source: wikimapia.org

Photo source: wikimapia.org

PS. The children stories part is a subliminal attempt for him to think that you would one day bear his children. I am assuming you’d be down for that. No pun intended.

PPS. You are only allowed to stay at Sunken Garden until 10 in the evening.

So anyway, since I don’t see any dates in my foreseeable future, I’ll just enjoy my Friday listening to The Dan Band’s Candy Shop. If you haven’t heard of Dan Finnerty or The Dan Band, it’s about effin time you listen to him/them now.

TGIF!

Job Application

Matt Scannell
87 Delaware Road
Hatfield, CA 08065

 

Dear Mr. Scannell,

I am writing to apply as your girlfriend as was indirectly announced in Wikipedia. I am enclosing a complete and updated resume, relevant certifications and three references.

The opportunity presented is beyond interesting, and I believe that my educational background, overall upbringing, work experience and not to mention, my spectacular personality, will make me a very competitive candidate for this position.

The key strengths that I possess for success in this position include:

* I have listened to all songs of Vertical Horizon at least 50 times each.

* I eat, breathe, live music, from terrible sounding boybands, to crooning broken-hearted divas, haunting classical music. to the pretentious British artists.

* I write, not as eloquently as you do, but I do have a deep understanding of those times when you itch for the pen to spell out your thoughts.

* I have successfully written and directed two short films. You could say I’m an artist, too.

* I have experience in customer service, collections, telephone banking, online ESL teaching, (creative) writing, research,  scriptwriting, production managing, directing, photography, blogging and editing. I am sure that those would prove useful if I were to be your girlfriend.

* I have a passion for learning. In fact, I would be taking my masters next school year.

* Most importantly, I love bald guys.

Please see my resume for additional information on my skills, experience and other qualifications. I can start with the job at the soonest possible time.

I can be reached anytime via email at its8am@gmail.com, Skype: trainrides or my mobile, 0906-487-xxxx.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you about this employment and romantic opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

Jobet Penalosa

Why I’m Still Single

1. I did not forward those chain letters and SMS.

2. I have terrible taste in music. Gil Ofarim and LFO. Are you happy now? Geez.

Photo source: tumblr.com

Photo source: tumblr.com

3. I rarely wear dresses and heels.

4. I don’t work out and my metabolism is practically nonexistent.

5. I don’t like most people.

6. I don’t like animals, too. I’m not gonna pretend to like your dog no matter what breed it is. I like plants though.

7. I have thicker legs than most men I know.

8. I don’t have a sense of direction, literally and figuratively.

Photo source: betcheslovethis.com

Photo source: betcheslovethis.com

9. I don’t wanna wear heels on my wedding day.

10. I’m still not over him.

Random Friday List

1. Internet connection at home is back, hence, order has been restored.

2. The boyfriend and I are having a kickass Friday, except I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m stuck at the office.

Photo courtesy of juanrepublic.tumblr.com

Photo courtesy of juanrepublic.tumblr.com

3. Kris Aquino is a famewhore, has a victim complex and thinks she’s all that. Wait, did I just describe myself? Seriously, her problems are not a national issue. Let’s get back to the most pressing ones and get them addressed. Hello, Sabah, Kristel Tejada, national elections?

4. I’ve noticed an increase of homeless people on my daily route from work to the train station. Most of them are kids, which just makes it all the more depressing.

5. Chinua Achebe died today. I have yet to read Things Fall Apart but I have loved No Longer At Ease, mainly because the protagonist is an anti-hero. He never got a Nobel Prize but he’s one of the greatest people who ever walked on earth, I think.

Photo courtesy of tumblr.themostinterestingmanintheworld.create

Photo courtesy of tumblr.themostinterestingmanintheworld.create

6. I’ve always looked down on office relationships but I wouldn’t mind a love story such as Chinua’s and his wife’s, which started when they were colleagues.

7. There’s this guy I have a huge crush on and I told him that we’re not friends because, as a rule, I don’t do friends. Y’know what I mean? It’s been, what, seven years, and we’re still friends with no benefits whatsoever. Yes, this is how miserable my life is.

Photo courtesy of troll.me

Photo courtesy of troll.me

8. People think that I have high standards for a guy. I don’t know how they came up with that. My glasses? My baggy pants? The only thing I require from a man is for him to genuinely like me. I wish this was a joke.

9. No matter what you say, the songs from the 90s and early 2000s are the ones I’ll never get tired listening to.

Photo courtesy of pizzaliciousblog.blogspot.com

Photo courtesy of pizzaliciousblog.blogspot.com

10. No one comes between me and pizza. And I mean, no one. But if you’re a hot bald guy, I’ll let you take a bite.

Buses and Trains by Bachelor Girl

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I’ve sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn’t you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They`re like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they’re bad for me
But I just can’t leave ’em alone

Now Hiring: A Boyfriend

Job Opportunity: The Boyfriend
Location: Metro Manila, Philippines

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Responsibilities:

* Weekly recreational activities including, but not limited to: eating out, visiting museums, going to the beach, attending Sunday mass, watching movies and stage plays

* Occasional compliments to sustain The Girlfriend’s self-esteem and overall well being

* Occasional attendance in The Girlfriend’s family events

* Occasional posting of “couple” photos on Facebook, Twitter and other social media to validate relationship

* Occasional gift-giving, need not be expensive, creativity highly required

* Regular bed-related relationship-enhancing activities, including but not limited to, sex

* Regular mediated (text, call, chat, email, etc) communication with The Girlfriend, at least once but not exceeding 5 in a day

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Qualifications:

* Candidate must be 25 to 38 years old

* Candidate should be college level; a holder of Bachelor’s/College Degree, MA, Ph.D and MBA preferred but not required

* Experience preferred but not required

* Applicants must be willing to work in Metro Manila

* Applicants must be willing to travel

* Knowledge of foreign language/s preferred but not required

* Ability to play one or more musical instruments preferred (except bass guitar)

* Candidate should be full-time employee/employer (applications of bums will automatically be rejected)

One (1) full time position available.
Previous applicants need not apply.
The Girlfriend offers an attractive benefits package with long-term prospects.

Send applications through its8am@gmail.com.
Walk-in applicants will not be entertained.

A Non-lover’s Love Letter

You’ve always been quiet. Sometimes I wonder what’s going on in that head of yours but most of the time I’m just content with the reassurance of your hands holding mine. You always tease me that maybe I talk too much to compensate for your silence. I would pretend to take offense so you’d kiss me as a way of apology.

I love waking up on Sunday mornings with the scent of your skin and the comfort of your arms around me. I’d gaze outside the window and wonder how many people out there are as lucky as I am to be with the man I love.

Infinity is when the wind plays with my hair as we cruise on deserted roads on your bike as the stars keep score on us. And as I close my eyes, I throw a wish that I could hold you like that forever.

We never had arguments but we had bitter fights that would leave me cold and desolate. Your defeaning silence used to tear me apart. We would go on days hurting each other, caring for our pride before we would succumb to a reconciliation.

When I stare at your eyes, I’m reminded of why I love you. And it’s not because you make fluffy pancakes or that you fix my computer because I keep doing the same stupid thing on it, or that you do not go out on Fridays because I always have to work Friday nights, or that you don’t get mad even if I don’t watch those movies you like so much; it’s because I like myself better when I’m with you. At times, you could make me the happiest person on earth. Other times, you could hurt me like no one else could. But always, I feel like I’m a better version of me when I’m with you. I don’t tell you this because sometimes I feel the shame in admitting that.

I have vague recollections of why we broke up. Did we grow apart? Did you get tired of my immaturity? Did I have enough of your silence? But I remember that day we finally said goodbye. You hugged me and wished me a good life. And I had to hold back my tears and pretended to be brave and wished you happiness.

I didn’t hear from you for so long. I did move on and tried to see other people. And so many things have happened since then. You became a distant memory of a first love that haunts me on lazy Sunday afternoons.

And now you’re back and we’re talking again and it’s like the old times. I talk to you about work and writing again and how Sheldon cracks me up. And you’re still quiet but you smile while you listen to my stories. And I couldn’t tell you how much I missed your smile. When you said you would want us to have dinner at our favorite place because you haven’t been there for a while, I had to remind you I still couldn’t go out on Fridays. I thought my heart would explode when you said it was okay because you still don’t go out on Fridays. I could only manage a weak smile but I wanted to hug you so hard that time and tell you how much I have missed you.

I am so happy that you’re back that it scares me to think of you leaving again. And so I’m writing you this because I want to tell you that I’ve watched those movies you downloaded for me (I still don’t like them though), and that I’ve tried so many recipes to make the pancakes the way you make them and that I miss you holding my hand while we wait for the train.

And so before I go to sleep. I pray that in the morning, I’d wake up next to you, bathed in the scent of your skin, finding bliss in your arms around me.

Photo courtesy of weheartit.com

Photo courtesy of weheartit.com

Something Beautiful by Robbie Williams

Photo courtesy of harlowheslop.com

Photo courtesy of harlowheslop.com

In celebration of Women’s month, most of my posts are about women. I initially wanted to make a playlist for women, a mix tape of sorts. But I couldn’t figure out how to put the play list here so instead from time to time I’ll post my choice of songs I hope you ladies would take the time to listen to. Of course, these aren’t truly exclusive to girls. So first up is Robbie Williams’s Something Beautiful. There’s no need for me to elaborate on the prose of this song but I want to emphasize the hopeful message it brings. Sometimes with all the ugliness around us, we forget about the beautiful things, and this reminds us to hold on to hope.

The silence was pitiful that day.
A love is getting too cynical
Passion’s just physical these days
You analyze everyone you meet
But get no sign, love ain’t kind
every night you admit defeat
and cry yourself blind

If you can’t wake up in the morning
Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you’re lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can’t control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won’t leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won’t be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
Something beautiful will come your way

Key Takeaways of Coffee-flavored Early Morning Conversations

1. We tend to romanticize turning 30 (or 40 or 50 and so on). It is not bad. It is, in fact, inspiring and gives you the chance to know more about yourself and what you want in life.

Photo courtesy of someecards.com

Photo courtesy of someecards.com

2. We get overwhelmed with so-called friends. It is okay to cut ties with people we don’t really care about. Instead, value our true friends and spend time with them.

3. One of life’s biggest tragedies is losing the sense of irony.

4. It is the truth that there are no awkward silences between friends, only comfortable ones.

Photo courtesy of tumblr.com/tagged/comfortablesilence

Photo courtesy of tumblr.com/tagged/comfortablesilence

5. If you choose to see it as being stuck in a routine, then you get stuck, but you can also see it as a new story every day and savor the now.

6. That friend who’s truly special because you haven’t seen him in years but when you meet again, you talk and laugh like you’ve been doing so every day in the last four years.

7. Coffee shops late at night and into the wee hours of the morning transform into a library that caters mostly to med and law students who can afford gallons of lattes.

Photo courtesy of readbreatherelax.com

Photo courtesy of readbreatherelax.com

8. Some people are more creative and full of beautiful ideas when they are in pain.

9. At times, it sucks being single but it rocks having fab friends. Also, a wise man (Yayo) once said, sleep is the new sex.

10. Lists don’t have to be ten items. Otherwise, grocery lists would look pitiful.

Photo courtesy of marriedtothesea.com

Photo courtesy of marriedtothesea.com