When You’re Desperate For Answers

Harboring a suspicion that your significant other is cheating on you?
Thinking if you’ll ever get that promotion?
Wondering if he’s gonna call tonight?
Thinking if she’s thinking about you, too?
Anxious if you’re gonna get that job?

Image Source: silodrome.com

Image Source: silodrome.com

Well, wonder no more.  The Book of Answers is here to answer all of your questions. Close-ended questions, that is. From silly questions to the most core-shaking ones, The Book of Answers has the answers.

Q: Do I look fat in this jeans?
A: IT WILL CREATE A STIR.

Q: Should I get a brazilian?
A: NO MATTER WHAT. (Lol.)

Q: Will I always be fat?
A: ACCEPT A CHANGE TO YOUR ROUTINE.

Q: Will I ever get married?
A: DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME. (Hah!)

Q: Is Edward Snowden the real life Jack Bauer?
A: UNQUESTIONABLY. (Don’t make me say “I told you so.”)

Q: Am I gonna have kids?
A: PREPARE FOR THE UNEXPECTED. (Noted.)

Q: Is Matt Scannell gonna marry me?
A: BE PRACTICAL.

Q: Are we ever gonna be friends again?
A: RELATED ISSUES MAY SURFACE. (Boo.)

Q: Am I gonna be rich?
A: YOU DON’T REALLY CARE.

Q: Am I gonna have a rich husband?
A: SAVE YOUR ENERGY. (Wth.)

Q: Will I ever have a bald guy partner?
A: THERE WILL BE OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME. (As long as I get my bald guy. Dammit.)

Q: Should I get plastic surgery?
A: REMAIN FLEXIBLE.

Q: Am I gonna meet him soon.
A: BE DELIGHTFULLY SURE OF IT.

Q: Is he gonna cheat on me?
A: MAKE A LIST OF WHY NOT.

 

I highly recommend this book when you badly need a laugh. If you and your friends are bored on a Saturday night, check out this book for some of the questions that have been plaguing your mind/s. Again, they have to be answerable only by yes or no. Close-ended, you guys.

Also, I have to qualify my recommendation. I don’t recommend buying a brand new copy. The one from *Fully Booked costs Php 605.00. I suggest buying a preowned copy from **Booksale and from online stores. I don’t guarantee that Booksale has a copy though but you can always check and/or ask their staff.

 

*Fully Booked, as their About Us page boasts, is “a haven for book enthusiasts, which has a cozy atmosphere, soothing music and well-informed staff.” They succintly describe their shops as “not merely bookshops but lifestyle destinations.” Let me spell it out for you, Fully Booked is a bookstore for the middle class and probably, the 1%-ers, too. Here’s their site

**Booksale claims to be the Philippines’ biggest source of low-priced unused as well as previously-owned books and bargain publications from the U.S., Canada, Australia and the U.K. You can check their site here. If you’re a student, a yuppie, middle class but not a snob, a too-good-to-be-true 1%-er, Booksale is the place for you.

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Now Hiring: A Boyfriend

Job Opportunity: The Boyfriend
Location: Metro Manila, Philippines

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Responsibilities:

* Weekly recreational activities including, but not limited to: eating out, visiting museums, going to the beach, attending Sunday mass, watching movies and stage plays

* Occasional compliments to sustain The Girlfriend’s self-esteem and overall well being

* Occasional attendance in The Girlfriend’s family events

* Occasional posting of “couple” photos on Facebook, Twitter and other social media to validate relationship

* Occasional gift-giving, need not be expensive, creativity highly required

* Regular bed-related relationship-enhancing activities, including but not limited to, sex

* Regular mediated (text, call, chat, email, etc) communication with The Girlfriend, at least once but not exceeding 5 in a day

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Photo courtesy of quickmeme.com

Qualifications:

* Candidate must be 25 to 38 years old

* Candidate should be college level; a holder of Bachelor’s/College Degree, MA, Ph.D and MBA preferred but not required

* Experience preferred but not required

* Applicants must be willing to work in Metro Manila

* Applicants must be willing to travel

* Knowledge of foreign language/s preferred but not required

* Ability to play one or more musical instruments preferred (except bass guitar)

* Candidate should be full-time employee/employer (applications of bums will automatically be rejected)

One (1) full time position available.
Previous applicants need not apply.
The Girlfriend offers an attractive benefits package with long-term prospects.

Send applications through its8am@gmail.com.
Walk-in applicants will not be entertained.